What can I offer?

I apologize again for not writing 'til now. Family health issues have dominated the landscape. It is a topic related to that issue that I wanted to write about-or at least the helplessness that comes with it.

I won't really go into what exactly the issues are within the family, but my thoughts have been directed towards the proper response in a crisis like this. Being raised FFB, you're taught that your first response should be to daven to Hasham and pray for help and health. Well, that would be everyone else. My first response? How in the world will my prayers help? I KNOW Hashem doesn't want to hear from me.

I cannot even begin to count the massive amounts of ways I have fallen short of the throne each and every day let alone my entire life, and I cannot even fathom how my creator wants to hear anything from me, or on top of that asking him for a favor I clearly do not deserve. Maybe it's easy for some people who know they have sinned and find it no problem to ask Hashem for his help. I find it almost impossible...does Hashem really want to hear praise from me?

How disappointed must he be in me and what I have done with my life? Do I really have any legs to stand on by asking Him for help with my child? Say Tehillim? I think that's better left for those who have far less baggage than I...

I get the fact that Raish Lakish was a stage coach robber and thief by trade and found his way to Torah. I get the fact that Nevezadrun killed hundreds of thousands of Jews and became a convert worthy of having Torah scholars as grandchildren. I've learned all about them all and have learned all about the Glory and Loving Kindness of the Creator, but I STILL cannot find it in myself to address the Holy One as if I have the right to.

Trust me, I'm not looking for a rebbi, an intermediary or a false prophet to pray on my behalf. I'm just looking to get past my vast array of misdeeds that may have been the cause for this family illness in the first place. The helplessness and loneliness I feel is palapable and weighs on me like a thousand pound gorilla. I know that the point of Judaism is that Ad yom mosso tichake lo-until the day of man's death Hashem accepts his Teshuva-I get all of that....I just feel so powerless....

I don't want to lead you to believe I do not daven three times a day-G-d forbid-but I must say that I do so feeling embarrassed that it is through me that praises to Hashem are spoken. How absurd... Surely there must be someone more worthy than I?

As another beautiful Shabbos approaches, I am hoping that the holiness of Shabbos will overcome my shortcomings and serve as a refuah for our child. Nevertheless, I will greet the Shabbos Queen with the same question that haunts me each and every waking moment....

Who am I?