I apologize again for not writing 'til now. Family health issues have dominated the landscape. It is a topic related to that issue that I wanted to write about-or at least the helplessness that comes with it.
I won't really go into what exactly the issues are within the family, but my thoughts have been directed towards the proper response in a crisis like this. Being raised FFB, you're taught that your first response should be to daven to Hasham and pray for help and health. Well, that would be everyone else. My first response? How in the world will my prayers help? I KNOW Hashem doesn't want to hear from me.
I cannot even begin to count the massive amounts of ways I have fallen short of the throne each and every day let alone my entire life, and I cannot even fathom how my creator wants to hear anything from me, or on top of that asking him for a favor I clearly do not deserve. Maybe it's easy for some people who know they have sinned and find it no problem to ask Hashem for his help. I find it almost impossible...does Hashem really want to hear praise from me?
How disappointed must he be in me and what I have done with my life? Do I really have any legs to stand on by asking Him for help with my child? Say Tehillim? I think that's better left for those who have far less baggage than I...
I get the fact that Raish Lakish was a stage coach robber and thief by trade and found his way to Torah. I get the fact that Nevezadrun killed hundreds of thousands of Jews and became a convert worthy of having Torah scholars as grandchildren. I've learned all about them all and have learned all about the Glory and Loving Kindness of the Creator, but I STILL cannot find it in myself to address the Holy One as if I have the right to.
Trust me, I'm not looking for a rebbi, an intermediary or a false prophet to pray on my behalf. I'm just looking to get past my vast array of misdeeds that may have been the cause for this family illness in the first place. The helplessness and loneliness I feel is palapable and weighs on me like a thousand pound gorilla. I know that the point of Judaism is that Ad yom mosso tichake lo-until the day of man's death Hashem accepts his Teshuva-I get all of that....I just feel so powerless....
I don't want to lead you to believe I do not daven three times a day-G-d forbid-but I must say that I do so feeling embarrassed that it is through me that praises to Hashem are spoken. How absurd... Surely there must be someone more worthy than I?
As another beautiful Shabbos approaches, I am hoping that the holiness of Shabbos will overcome my shortcomings and serve as a refuah for our child. Nevertheless, I will greet the Shabbos Queen with the same question that haunts me each and every waking moment....
Who am I?
6 comments:
First of all, refuah sheleimah to those in your family who need it.
> How in the world will my prayers help? I KNOW Hashem doesn't want to hear from me.
You know this for sure? Perhaps He told you?
Maybe I'm just lucky. I don't live in a large Jewish community so I've missed out on all the stuff that passes for mussar these days but I have learned a thing or two in my studies and from my parents who come from homes far more Jewish than mine will ever be.
Chazal says "Rachmanah liba ba'ey." God wants your heart. He knows you're not perfect. He knows that you may fall short of the standard He set. And most importantly, He knew that BEFORE He created it. If you aren't worth it, if you're so wretched that your prayers don't even deserve to reach His holy throne, then why are you even here?
Becuse YOU MATTER! You have a role to play in the greatness that is Hashem's creation. Yes, you with all your flaws. Join the club. We all try, we all stumble, we all have questions and doubts. but in the end, do you want to connect to Him? Do you want to do what's right in His eyes? Do you dersire closeness to Him? That's what matters.
There are those who will offer you Gehinnom for anything at all. Did you accidentally look at that woman's face as you passed her on the street? Ah ha! Did you only wait 5 1/2 hours after that steak to drink some milk? Ah ha! Did you eat something that had a hechsher not everyone recognizes? Ah ha! Did you accidentally flip the light on last Shabbos? Ah ha!
There's a revealing gemara you're probably learned that should help comfort you. It says in Sanhedrin that that the Anshei Knesses HaGedola were sitting and deciding who in history got into Heaven and who didn't (11th chapters of Sanhedrin lists them). They decided that Shlomo HaMelech, because of his mistakes late in life, didn't get into Heaven. In reply, God sent various signs to show that Shlomo HaMelech did indeed get into Heaven. Each time the Anshei Knessses HaGedolah disagreed. Finally a bas kol came down and say, in effect, "Hey, I'm God, I'm in charge and I say who gets into Heaven, not you!"
The bottom line is what you said. You don't need a rebbe or intermediary. You need a quiet place to sit and focus on the relationship you have with God by virtue of the fact you exist. You need to nurture it. It's personal, no one can tell you if it's strong or weak, only you and God can decide that and the beauty of it is that He lets you play a role in that.
You must have faith - God knows your pain and wants you to reach out to Him. He might not answer you in the way you expect or think you need but that's because He's God and has a different perspective on things. All you can do, and you must do this, is try to relieve your loneliness by being aware of Him as much as you can.
Garnel,
I am comforted by your kind words. I do recall the Gemmorah...I do have a personal relationship with Hashem-that is not the issue...I think it is more that I have let him down as far as my part of the bargain...Mah Ashiv LaHashem-how can I repay him for all the fabulous blessings he has so undeservedly given me?...I struggle to find an answer to that-doesnt mean I stop trying...just making you aware of the deep and very personal struggle that I am going through...
I don't get lost in what others "hold" is right or wrong-i.e.- the Gemmorah actually holds that an hour bewteen meat and milk is suffcient-I get lost in what I BELIEVE is right or wrong....
I think to do Tshuva means to be hypocritical in one way or another-that is really not the issue-it's about my failings and how to make peace with that when it comes to Hashem and I am hoping he knows the struggles I am going through...
First of all, refuah shlaima.
Perhaps, you articulated a possible approach in the last words of your post. You mentioned the coming of the beautiful Shabbos, which represents the end of a cycle, only to start anew on Sunday. This is a built-in, forced reprieve that each can use in his or her own way. For some, it was a rough week at work, for others it was parnassa struggles, and for some it was health struggles. Shabbos represents an opportunity to reconnect with Hashem, community, and family. One should try to believe that "I've done my best this past week, and at this point, there is nothing more I can do". Now, I don't want to sound pollyanish that one has no worries at all on/over Shabbos, especially with health issues. But, to some extent, one can take comfort in the support systems of family, shul, and community that he/she has (a la "imo anochi b'tzara"). Hopefully, next week will be a better one. But, ultimately, there is some Divine plan, and we are merely actors in the play.
As for the undeservedness and inability to effectively reach out to Hashem, everyone has their "pekkele" or baggage that he/she is bringing to the table. The pekkele comes in a variety of forms, bein adam l"makom, bein adam l'chaveiro, or some combination thereof (we certainly discuss them on this blog). You must take solace in the fact that you try your best to be a good sincere and responsible Jew-- without shtick, pretext, or pretense. With a rare package like that, you are just as worthy, if not more, than anyone else to beseech the Ribbono Shel Olam.
Mah Ashiv L'Hashem is an excellent way to answer your question. Because I hate transliterating, I'll just use the English:
"How can I repay Hashem for all His bounty to me? I will raise the cup of salvations and the name of Hashem I shall call. My vows to Hashem I shall pay, in the presence, now, of His entire people." (Teh 116:12-14)
Note that the answer to the question isn't: I'll do teshuvah, I'll do more mitzvos or chumros, I'll learn twice as hard. It's a raising of the cup of salvations, the uplifted feeling in your heart that Hashem loves and cares about you, and calling out his name. That's the answer. Can any of us repay Hashem? He gives us our very existence. How can we even contemplate matching that? Am I doing him a favour keeping the mitzvos? I'm doing it out of gratitude. Hashem owes me nothing. So what does He want from me? For me to call out to Him when I need help, to recognize that I am not the master of my world, that I am His servant and to run to him when I have trouble for Him to help me. We often forget this. We pray to Hashem for success but we're not actually thinking of Him when we're succeeding. We pray to Him for health but we often don't call out when we're sick and then it's desperate pleas, not praise that we send heavenward. What does hashem want of us? Hashem wants us to do "good" which is defined as fulfilling His will. Can anyone know for certain what His will is? One thing is known - that through learning of Torah you can come closer to it.
We cannot know for sure what is truly right or wrong in this world save those few things that the Bible or Chazal are abolutely sure about (belief in one God, ethical treatment of other people = good, hating, murdering and being a Yankees fan = bad). All we have to guide us are the words of our sages and how our neshamos accept them.
You are not alone in your struggle. What can you do? Call out to Hashem. Of course He knows what you're going through. How will the answer come?
The 6th chapter in Avos tells us that every day a bas kol announces: Oy to those people who disregard Torah. The Baal Shem Tov asks: If there's a bas kol, how come no one hears it? He answers that people do. If someone is walking down the street and he suddenly has a Torah thought appear in his mind, if he's non-religious and he suddenly has an urge to go home and open a chumash to see what's inside, THAT'S the bas kol. We all hear Hashem's voice but not with words as we understand them. Concentrate on your relationship. Look around at your life. The voice of Hashem will be there. This is the process of real teshuvah. It's not about confessing your sins. It's seeing them as wrong, as hurtful to the perfect world God created and resolving through one's new attitude to never try and hurt that creation again.
You're looking at this wrongly. Just because you have fallen short of the Rabbinate's measuring stick hardly means Hashem disapproves of you. As much as the Rabbis are deluded to thinking otherwise, the two are absolutely not the same.
So pray with sincerity and confidence. Hashem will hear.
There are those who will offer you Gehinnom for anything at all. Did you accidentally look at that woman's face as you passed her on the street? Ah ha! Did you only wait 5 1/2 hours after that steak to drink some milk? Ah ha! Did you eat something that had a hechsher not everyone recognizes? Ah ha! Did you accidentally flip the light on last Shabbos? Ah ha!
Garnel- you and your fellow orthodox should stop turning God into a nazi, it is in fact blasphemous. Getting punished by God for glancing at a girl is rediculous.
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